Jun 3, 2021
Kelly Ibarra is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) who specializes in Sexual Addiction and complex partner betrayal trauma. Kelly is the author of Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven: A memoir about rebuilding after complex sexual betrayal. She is also a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and is trained in Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR (SAFE). In this week’s episode, Kelly talks about why she wrote her book and how she helps people who have been in her position of deep emotional hurt that was comfortable to tolerate.
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:45] Why did Kelly write her book, Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven?
[4:25] Kelly, unfortunately, has had first-hand experience on what it’s like to love a partner that acts out.
[7:00] When Kelly met her husband, he had been acting out for at least 20 years.
[9:00] Kelly shares a little bit about her relationship with her husband and how she began to find out that he had an addiction.
[13:00] When Kelly found out the extent of the addiction, her husband asked to ‘call her back because he was with friends’. The lack of attunement is very real for a lot of people with trauma.
[14:35] It took years for Kelly’s husband to walk into a counselor's office.
[15:55] Why did Kelly stay in the relationship for so long?
[20:00] Because of Kelly’s own traumas, she was deeply attracted to her husband’s behaviors because they made sense to her. The more ‘stable’ guys were seen as a novelty and it scared her away.
[22:55] How did Kelly recover from this?
[25:35] What makes a partner heal from betrayal?
[29:05] Partners in recovery are learning to dance for the very first time.
[34:00] What are primary and secondary emotions?
[37:45] How has this trauma affected Kelly’s children?
[42:40] No matter how bad things really are, your children have to be the primary focus.
[46:40] After a betrayal, how can you be intimate again?
RESOURCES:
The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’?
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Connect with Kelly: LinkedIn & Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven.
Email Kelly: KIbarra@CPCounsel.net
QUOTES:
- “When it eventually got to a place where he’s like, “I have a problem.” It didn't mean he was ready to suit up and jump out of the plane.”
- “No matter what we’ve been through, a lot of things that happened to us as kids affect the way we see relationships and experiences as adults.”
- “I stayed because I felt like no one else would love me, nobody would accept me.”