Jul 26, 2018
Today Rob welcomes respected colleague and filmmaker, Paul Ginocchio. Paul talks about his work as an MFT and CSAT, and the intention and inspiration behind creating his film The Courage to Love. He and Rob dig deeper on the difference between sex addiction and offending, the positive emotional impact upon men that stand up and speak out about their sexual problems, and about how Paul himself moved forward to find healing and redemption in his own struggles.
Paul’s willingness to share and put himself out there has created a path for many to help rebuild their own lives and find recovery and love that they may have never thought possible.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:09] Paul is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, MFT, CSAT, with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay area. He specializes in couples therapy, and the assessment and treatment of sexual addiction. Paul is also the creator of the film The Courage To Love, a pioneering documentary film about sex addiction that tells the personal journeys of four individuals from the shame of sexual addiction to the hope and healing of recovery.
[5:07] In Paul’s personal case of sex addiction, he felt it became an almost pathological need for release and validation to gratify him as an individual and his own self-worth. In his teenage years, he felt like porn was the first red flag where he knew he was out of control, but didn’t know what the term for it was or where to even begin to seek help.
[6:25] Paul went to his first meeting in the Mission District in San Francisco during the mid 90’s, and tells his account of how intimidating the first experience of talking about his issue was to him. He was petrified but knew he had something in common with the guys, even though their particular story was different than his. It took him a few years of attending on and off before he fully committed to the 12-step program with Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.
[10:22] Paul encourages first-timers to commit to attending at least five meetings, and understand that it’s normal and natural to compare yourself to others in the room, both for better or worse.
[11:49] Paul has a background in documentary filmmaking and possessed a love for making film and videos since childhood. As part of his 11-step he went to a 10 day silent meditation retreat, and the idea of the film and the title came to him as he was mid-retreat. He started shooting it 2007 while in grad school as a therapist, and first tried to pull from his connections within S.L.A.A, but quickly realized most people wanted to remain anonymous and weren’t ready to be public about their addiction and struggles. Despite his initial hesitation, he appeared as a subject in the video, and found Jay by googling “sex addiction memoirs”. Jay then introduced him to Greg, and years later Silvia got in touch and she was added, which has been a saving grace to connect females to the film.
[15:56] Paul chose to go even beyond sex addiction and include Jay, who was an offender and who acts out in exhibitionism.
[17:46] Exhibitionism and voyeurism are misdemeanor offenses, and often have highly addictive components. Sexual offending is exhibiting and engaging in nonconsensual sex and/or behavior. The Courage to Love film gives hope to the offender community, that there is a place to go and get help.
[21:46] Paul talks about how the film has affected his work as a therapist, and the ability for the stories in the film to inspire others to open up and share their own stories. If he had to make a new film today, he would broaden the perspective to include the partner and spouses of addicts and couples in recovery.
[30:15] The landscape of today’s modern digital age produces a much different plight than over the recent decades.
RESOURCES
Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men
The Courage to Love on YouTube
Robert Weiss on Megyn Kelly Today Discussing Female Sex Addiction
QUOTES:
- “All of us were out of control at some point in our journey, and personally crazy in the world around sex.” - PG
- “To hear other men talk about their struggles and their emotions, there was a part of me that thought it was awesome, yet terrifying as well.” - PG
- “I bumped up against this closet of shame that I thought wasn’t going to be there because I knew so many people for so many years in recovery.” - PG
- “The secrecy of the disease of addiction is part of the stigma.” - RW
- “The only understanding I had of sex addiction was my own journey, and all that I read.” - PG
- “A therapist is only as good as the work they have done on themselves.” - RW
- “When we get to diffuse that shame and that self-hatred and give people hope, change happens quickly.” - RW