May 17, 2018
Hope Ray does amazing work in helping couples and individuals cope in the throes of a betrayal, and helps give them the opportunity to possibly even develop a higher quality of intimacy if they do decide to continue the relationship. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and a Certified Hope and Freedom Practitioner. Her experience has shown there is hope for healing even after the devastation of sexual secrets and infidelity. She and Rob talk about empathy for the partner, developing an intimacy radar and her intensive specialized programs to provide help in a great time of need.
TAKEAWAYS:
[0:54] Hope’s work is focused on working with couples one at a time in an intensive, specialized environment.
[2:27] Hope seeks to take away some of the stigma of addiction, and help both the addict and their partner know that help is out there.
[5:39] For the partner experiencing the betrayal and learning to what extent they have been misled, they are often caught between the desire to run away from the situation and their own hurt, and having empathy for their emotionally ill spouse who may need their support to get better.
[10:08] Sex addicts typically develop characteristics of entitlement, narcissism, and dishonesty to cover up the guilt of acting out.
[13:58] Addicts may be able to balance home and family life with their secret for a while, but will show up in a way that is disconnected and not fully present.
[20:14] Rob and Hope support partners in their work by acknowledging their pain and not trivializing the trauma they are experiencing. Partners usually feel shame and guilt that they didn’t know what was happening, even if others around them were aware.
[22:14] Hope encourages her clients to be able to detect low levels of intimacy, to express it to their partner and become aware of their own needs that constitute a healthy relationship.
[32:14] Partners should be careful who they choose to talk to, individuals who can’t worsen the situation later by knowing the deep dark secrets of the situation. Both Hope and Rob suggest finding a professional in the field that specializes in sex and relationship healing.
RESOURCES
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES:
“When we are living two separate lives, we develop a lot of poor character traits in order to keep these secrets.”
“They may show up, but half the time they aren’t emotionally present.”
---(Rob said “they”, but in case you want to change it to addicts)
“Partners are so misunderstood. It’s really important they don’t experience blame for their partner's sexual behavior in any way.”
“I believe one of the greatest powers we can give partners is the ability to detect intimacy.” - Hope