May 21, 2020
Dr. Rob is back with a continuation of last week’s episode about explaining what prodependence is. How can we better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved ones? Spouses feel terrible enough being married to an active addict, our jobs as therapists is to not make them question themselves, but to help them through their feelings. They are in crisis mode and this means therapists need to do crisis counseling, not codependency counseling. Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency when they are going through a completely natural reaction.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:45] The women who wrote these books about codependency had traumatic abusive fathers and they ended up married to alcoholic or abusive husbands. However, this does not mean it’s a universal experience.
[4:50] Women were focused on paving their own way in the 1980s. It was needed, but the writings of that time also reflect that. Today? We can tell a different story, but we’re still stuck in the 1980s dialogue.
[7:40] So many addicts say, “I could get sober if my wife wouldn’t nag so much.”
[11:00] A loved one is in a crisis and they need support, not stigmatism or judgement.
[11:25] How does Dr. Rob define a crisis?
[12:40] How do you help someone through a crisis? What are the steps in crisis counseling? Dr. Rob explains.
[14:45] The partner has been victimized and they should not be victimized further by their therapist.
[19:25] We ideally should respond to addicts with love and compassion, to remind them that they are loved.
[25:20] Codependency tells people they’re living in denial. They’re not.
[28:40] How do addicts feel about codependency?
[31:35] Dr. Rob shares what he helps people with at his treatment center.
[32:15] Some treatment centers cut the family members off from treatment and they lose their connection with the addict.
[33:55] With social distancing, how are people staying connected?
[34:55] Dr. Rob believes two broken people working to heal together are going to get further than individuals trying to heal by themselves.
RESOURCES:
The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’?
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak
QUOTES:
- “91% of therapists believe that the person who was married to an active addict is in a major crisis.”
- “Until their family life is settled down, their loved one has gotten sober, they are in a crisis too.”
- “My job, as a therapist, is to help them through the crisis. Not ask them to question or doubt themselves.”
- “Crisis is a state of emotional turmoil for an acute emotional reaction to a powerful stimulus or demand.”
- “With the addicts in my life that I want to deepen my connection with, I say to them, I love you, whether you’re using or not, I love you whatever state you’re in, and if you need me, I’ll come and sit with you.”