Jul 25, 2019
Kim Buck, CSAT and Clinical Director of Family Strategies Counseling Center in Arizona, joins the show this week. Kim and Rob discuss the differences between the Prodependence model vs. Codependence, the interesting results she is finding using this model at her own center, and what is helpful for partners to understand when dealing with betrayal and loving an addict. She and Rob also share why the Prodependence model gives betrayed partners support and compassion in crisis rather than judgment or blame, along with the freedom to examine themselves as much as they wish, when they wish.
TAKEAWAYS:
[5:05] Betrayed partners are typically in deep trauma and crisis when dealing with the bad behavior of their addict, and understanding Prodependence gives the perspective of supporting them in their desire to just try and be helpful, instead of being the cause or the one to blame.
[9:30] Kim has her clients look at what is right in the relationship, and what, if anything, is worth saving.
[11:33] Instead of looking for a pathology or reason the betrayed partner caused the addicts behavior, Prodependence deals with the crisis at hand to try and let the partner feel their feelings and begin to get some sense of safety while in such trauma.
[13:50] While other models talk more about the betrayed partners history and past, often times they are just there to get support in the moment.
[16:04] Betrayed partners tend to let go of their own care while attempting to save their relationship and family. In this time of emotional freefall, judging them only produces more fear, hurt, shame and self doubt.
[22:22] It is very common for addicts to blame the spouse, and that also is very hurtful.
[24:10] Kim works with her betrayed clients to validate and support them, show them it wasn’t their fault for the addicts behavior, then help them find boundaries and useful ways to show up in the relationship if they choose to continue.
[26:33] Codependency often calls for detaching from the addict so they can suffer on their own, but this is not always sustainable or healthy for either partners. We have to figure out what is saveable and why they want to be in the relationship, and then work on it from there.
[29:22] Kim finds it’s a natural process to want more understanding down the road, but they can explore the past later once the crisis is over.
RESOURCES:
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Family Strategies Counseling Center
QUOTES:
- “We have to look at strengths individually, and what has gone right in this relationship and what you want to save.”
- “When you love someone, you just do what you can to make their life better.”
- “Don’t question your love for someone.”
- “What I really need, is just space to feel.”
- “It’s very easy for caretakers to find themselves in a deficit.”
- “The most power you have is a gentle invitation that is offered by example.”